What is a peaceful woman? Day 7- Experiment in inspiration

July 8, 2010

I discovered that I live an inspired life. I thought I was figuring out what a peaceful life was and what showed up was an inspiration for Truth. ( notice the capital “T”) I have consistently created situations in which to become aware. I am a little bit of a freak in this respect and because I have the guts, courage, naivety, whatever you call it, I go places where most people would not even think of. That seems to be my nature. Some situations are more, shall we say, creative than others. But really, all are inspiring to me.

picture from Seattle sculpture park

When I am in pain, I look in that blackness to find out what exactly my body, mind or spirit needs in order to feel heard and/or whole. Some people look at this and think I am just creating more pain for myself. Nope, it is an experiment in inspiration. I used to run away from these dark spots on my sun with anti-depressants and emotional defenses. I do not ignore myself any longer. I find the inspiration in the investigation. It excites me to know that I can actually make a change once I am aware. I have choice. It frustrates me when I cannot make a consistent change but like all practices…that’s why they call it practice! I also get a little crazy when I find myself over identifying with the process but then I get inspired all over again with that insight and just let it go!

picture from Seattle sculpture park

If I am in joy, I am inspired to share it with others and watch people be in the energy. None of it is really me. But I find peace in knowing that no matter what, pain, joy, whatever emotion you want to play with, I will do my best to look at it and learn and then be inspired by that learning. The by-product is that there is a slight chance that I can then inspire others. Mahalo, Linda This is your place. Is this your peace?

What is a peaceful woman? Day 6-Greens, Greens,

July 7, 2010

Tonight I am tired. I ate steamed broccoli  for breakfast. A gallon of lemon, ginger water, for lunch and a green shake for dinner and when the chocolate was offered, I declined. Not because I needed to, but because I was satisfied in my belly and I wanted to go to bed. I was simply not wanting chocolate.

This may not seem like a big deal to most but for me to refuse chocolate, let me clarify, to have a choice about chocolate means that my body is once again coming into balance. That even through I was tired, I did not crave the big brown monster.

OOOOH, this is peace for me. I am happy that my body is healing from the three months of MASSIVE change, awesome coffee, even better chocolate!  I was hoping at 50 it would still find its balance.

Want to see if it works for you?  If you want to alkalanize your system and balance out the excess, eat a ton of water rich foods. Lots of vegees. Even more water. Get that stuck fat moving and increase your metabolism. It is OK if you feel tired. The body is ridding itself of toxins and is not interested in creating an anti-peace march in your bloodstream. Let it go and be free and peaceful!

Malaho, LInda

This is your place, is this your peace?

What is a peaceful woman? Day 5-Give Keith a chance

July 5, 2010

“Give Peace a chance? Give Keith a chance” is what I wanted to scream as I kept my eyes glued to this forgotten video of the last meditation retreat for my husband. I desperately wanted his inspiration and and a chance for me to latch on to every word he said. I wanted to feel pain and loss and laughter again and again so I could find my meaning of peace on the other side and move on with my life.
As most of you know, my 29 days of blogging about Peace just happened to coincide with the 3rd “deathaversary” of my husband over this holiday weekend. Good fodder, for sure and I am “workin’ the program” as I like to say. I created a solo retreat to clean up old photos, memories, relationships, you name it. Anything that was left in the way of me moving forward and embracing LIFE and ALL of it’s human emotions. It took effort, faith and a ton of courage and its not over.

The video watching was my 4th of July fireworks. I went through two rolls of toilet paper and my head exploded with a headache by the end of the evening. I watched my dear, Keith in his bloated chemo state of floating in and out of pain and consciousness, answer questions from his beloved group. I witnessed the connection of his unwavering soul as he looked into each one of their eyes. Everyone in the room felt his Godlike presence with the touch of his contorted hand. We delighted in his quick wit and gentle allowance of being and there was no separation of him from spirit in the moment. Yet, even he commented on how confusing it was to make every moment count. All of us were so lucky to be in that room three years ago. And he created this for himself without realizing the gift he was giving all of us.

Now looking through my own congested fog, to ask this of myself. Where can I be a gift? Where in my life can I just be totally present with each individual I come in contact with and share my being by just holding a space of unconditional love for them to be in relationship with me? More importantly, where can I access that for myself and in so doing open up to the infinite possibilities of who and what I am living for?Expanded questions to celebrate and if my attention can focus on that, then I find my peace today. Thank you Keith. Thank you Don and the CSA meditation group.Thank you Cakeman.

Mahalo,

Linda
This is your place. Is this your peace?

What is a peaceful woman?- day 4 1/2- A step to the right

July 4, 2010

I had to add this additional blog today. This one is for Keith.

For me, during this day of living independently from certain thoughts and ideas that limit me, I was inspired to hear this womans story. This is TED talk about a woman who witnessed her brain functions deteriorate during her own stroke. To hear of her experience is so amazing and reminds me of our power to access peace. She is a woman. She chose life and she chose peace.

I watched my husbands brain shut down over a period of 18 months while he battled a rare form of brain cancer. His right hemisphere was compromised by a tumor the size of a lemon that was very aggressive. Three surgeries and two chemo treatments later, he passed into a state of peace. I learned so much from him during this time. Somehow these two stories have assembled together in front of me today to activate a purpose

We do have a choice. We can access both sides of our brain. We can connect to each other or we can chose to be separate. Through Jills story and my own life experience, I chose to continue to learn how to step to the right of my left hemisphere and experience peace. Please listen to it and enjoy. Have a box of Kleenex handy.

http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html

mahalo,

Linda
This is your place. Is this your peace?

What is peaceful? Day 4-empty closet, empty mind

July 4, 2010

What does a closet and peacefulness have in common? I have attached some pictures as a visual aid…Notice and empty closet. Notice my empty mind.


It really is that simple for me. When the stress and uncertainty get to be too much in the process of creating a new life for myself here on the island, I just have to do something physical. I am astrologically wired for that. When the stress hits the fan. I gotta move.

It is also a bit of a gift I have to create order out of chaos. I am blessed with but one closet in one room in this wonderful house I share with two other peaceful women. I cherish my yoga practice space and consequently there is no room for a desk…except in the closet. Now this creates a bit of a Vastu Shastra challenge but not too much for my handy craftsman and a little mind work. I grew up in a family of engineers so this mind is accustomed to “workin'” on things. So, to create some order, and provide a stress free zone, I bought some shelves and with a borrowed drill and bits, finished about 90% of the job in less than an hour. My body felt pretty good, my mind was focused and clear and I had 10% of my energy left over to put all the stuff back. (After pictures to come)

All in all, a pretty peaceful project and an amazing remedy. So, for a mind that will not just let you “be” with the peace of your own thoughts. Give it something to drill on.

Mahalo, Linda
This is your place, is this your peace?

What is a peaceful woman? Day 3-deep sleep

July 3, 2010

What can I say, yesterday was awesome and today I am doing my work over here on all things contemplative and deep. I spent too much unsatisifying time on the computer today and then over to a friends house to just sit in the mists of the rain and do my best with the demons biting at my ankles. Oh, those were the mosquitoes again.

I am going to be more committed on my sleep. I love to wake up in the morning expecially if I have had enough sleep. When I do not get the sleep, my whole world seems to crumble. It was the sleep thing again.

Sleep is the most important thing you can do to help create that peace. Peace in the nervous system when all the nerve endings are calm and quiet and have a place to just sit and have a cup of tea and watch the rain come down. I did fall asleep in a state of napping this afternoon and then listened to a two hour astrological reading that was as deep at I had ever heard. I am deep and the reading was deep.  I have had enough and am heading back to bed for some deep sleep. Seems to be the only way today.

What is a peaceful woman? Day 2-to pray or spray

July 2, 2010

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The mosquitoes were hungry. They must have smelled the decaf latte coursing through my bloodstream. It didn’t matter, I was on a wonderful adventure in the bamboo jungles of Maui. Myself and four other facilitators from The Peaceful Woman spiritual retreat company were on a mission; to find the perfect waterfall for our next retreat. This was our Friday Afternoon Club and we were slip sliding our way through the rain forest heading towards the ocean.

SMACK! Three dead mosquitoes lay motionless under my sweaty palm. I had never seen mosquito activity like this and without a wink of awareness, I swatted. How peaceful was that? Were they siblings? A family? These critters were someones’ children! I wondered, what does the Dali Lama do in situations like these? Does he pray or spray?

I grabbed the OFF and applied liberally. That familiar stink from childhood sucked at the air but had no affect on the hungry bunch. Even in the beauty of nature, I was distracted by pain. I was frustrated and then the “…in your life..” question popped into awareness. ” So, where else in my life have I not been able to ease my suffering when surrounded by the abundance of beauty?” Where else in my life have I seen this play out?

Now that I was conscious of my actions, what to do? Where do I find the peace? In a state of unconscious pain, I had reacted. Don’t we all? I was guilty!

And then I prayed.

I prayed to Mother Maui, to the balance of nature in the jungle and to others in my same situation. I asked our planet to forgive me for my unconsciousness and expressed gratitude for my new found awareness of others. As minuscule as a mosquito bite is in the big picture of oil spills and the cosmic world, somehow, I found my peace.

It is not only the little things that matter but the little creatures. I am a human in a spiritual experience and I am far from perfect. I do my best to be aware and it really can be a jungle out there of distraction. I hold myself responsible for seeing beauty in others as much as I can and sometimes when I am in pain, I forget. The mosquitoes are so prolific here on the rainy side. They won”t stop. However their home in mother nature has become my treasured teacher and the awareness she reflects back to me along with my own forgiveness seem to be the keys to my peaceful queendom.

Mahalo, Linda
This is your place, is this your peace?

What is a peaceful woman? Day 1-Haleakala Applause

July 1, 2010

I am peaceful this morning but am I a peaceful woman? That is the question I hope to explore for 29 days. And true to my cultural conditioning, I am already one day behind. Fortunately, I have allowed time to be in my creative flow and to catch up. You see, yesterday instead of sitting at my desk, I decided to go up to the 10,000 foot marker of the mighty volcano, Haleakala here on Maui. It felt like the right time to honor my husbands passing, three years ago. I was feeling a bit more stable in my life and my intention this year was to continue to let go of the grief and find the celebration in Keiths’ disease and death. There were so many gifts and it was time to shift my attention from the past to celebrate the present and respond to my future.

I had been doing rituals all week and this was the big one I had been waiting for. What I had not counted on was an additional emotional opportunity to let go of a new relationship with a man whom I had since fallen in love with. His e-mail arrived on the exact day of my husbands death. (Timing is everything and so is social media!). So this was yet another opportunity to be aware, awake and gentle with all the anger, loss, grief, fear, survival…you name it, that slippery slope of emotions that was once again erupting.

It took me an hour to drive the hill and I played all my husbands original music along the way. The tears, sobs, (OK, let’s be real…HOWLS) were so very cleansing and my usual disemboweling ache gave way to comfort. A more comfortable way of feeling pain could be called peace, I suppose. On the top of the volcano, I found my spot off the beaten path ( don’t tell the authorities) and set up for the next 4 hours ’till sunset. I listened to some meditation audio and music to allow my freaked out chatter a little chill time before I went into meditation. My mind likes to preview before the show.

As I settled in, I began to visualize all my past memories with Keith. One by one, I allowed them into my consciousness, invited a breath and allowed the experience into my body. I then directed my thoughts and to that exact body location. I took another breath and mentally surrendered. I didn’t really know what that meant but It started in my mind and then somehow, rolled on down and I just let go. I just sighed, cried, smiled, responded. I imagined the picture dissolving into a warm bath of relaxation and the pain in my body subsided even more. Where the dark knot of grief had it’s grip, there slowly appeared some light and peace. I was beginning to feel more whole. There was a different feeling of integration and the energies of the mountain were generously assisting.

I dug my bare feet deeper into the rocks of the mountain and assembled a small altar from some things left over from our past life together. I then sprinkled Keiths’ ashes around the crystal that I had placed in the middle. I love altars and this was a beauty by my standards.

I settled back in. Some of the emerging images were easier to view than others and then out of nowhere, I got a bonus feature of my newest relationship dissolving into forgiveness and sweetness. How did THAT happen? I asked the Haleakala guides. They just smiled and their words said ” be careful what you ask for, dear one”. I was really enjoying my quiet with the wind and my body continued to relax.

The upper balcony of the volcanic amphitheater was beginning to stir with voices. I allowed my mind to include this drone to further help me deepen into even darker places. I lost track of time. I was no longer slipping, I had found a solid place for my heart to reside. And then I heard clapping. I was startled. Had I fallen asleep? I opened my eyes and the sun was just skidding behind the clouds. The crowd behind me was applauding and I found myself crying with an indescribable feeling of peace and joy. My tears were an expression of contentment mixed with the irreverence and humor of the Superbowl cheer. this is one of God’s most wondrous events afterall! I did it, we did it, they did it. It happened and I had a crowd of cheerleaders to reflect that back to me. I quickly gathered my things and climbed back up to the parking lot. I drove very slowly down the hill, basking in the last remaining drops of sunlight and was in wonderment at the ability to actually turn my pain into a joyous celebration with a little help from the cheering section and Haleakala energies.

Mahalo, Linda
This is your place. Is this your peace?

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